Charlie Sheen Fires Back!!!

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Surfmatters recently covered the growing controversy of drug testing for mat meets...specifically in the "Premier League Of Mat Riding," otherwise known as the UKMS. It didn't take long for Malibu's own Charlie Sheen to bounce back with his thoughts on two subjects near and dear to his heart: Mat surfing and drugs. And alcohol. And women. (It's all kind of a blur with him.)

"Hi Guys,

Charlie here. Thought I'd get back to you on the UKMS drug testing thing. You probably think I'm all "pro-drugs, anti-testing," and in the past that would have been one of those awesome "torpedo of truth" kinds of deals. But the other night I made it with my first brunette -- well, two of 'em actually -- and it turned my head around...pun intended!

I see now where you can go both ways -- blond and brunette -- and have a great time. So, I'm willing to look at drugs and the testing thing in a whole new light!

My issues with intoxicants and mat surfing really started back in the 80's, when I scored an endorsement deal with Budweiser to ride a mat with their logo. All I could think about when I was out in the water was getting back to my beach pad and cracking a cold one. Pretty soon, I just parked my mat in the corner of my living room and spent my days drinking beer and staring at that damn raft.

I was so out of it that I dragged my 4GF with me when we shot Platoon. I did a few improv scenes on the beach with the mat, but that no-talent hack Ollie Stone edited them out, claiming they weren't "historically accurate." Like that's ever stopped him before!

The big collapse, for me, was when I visited England and hooked up with with Grayman and a couple of his UKMS staff assistants. They were really into PEDs to torque-up their mat surfing, and I was so innocent, I didn't even know what PED meant!  Before long, I was slamming 'roids and EPO like they were cheese puffs and Mr. Pipp...and absolutely ripping. (That G-man sure had a wry smile all the time. I shoulda asked him why.)

I hit rock bottom when I got back to the States. Without easy access to "the juice," as they called it in the UK, I was turning back into a kook in the water. Out of desperation, I chug-a-lugged a quart of lemon juice.

It took a month for my face to straighten out, and in that time I realized that I had to get the rest of me straight as well. I hired a medical staff to test me before every go out. The video crew was there to document the process for Mr. Dirk's upcoming film, "The Once And Future Kook: The Rise and Fall Of Charlie Sheen's Mat Career."

I put up the jack to shoot the film...but Dirk blew most of it on sunglasses and a new hat. (My people are looking into it.)

At first being tested all the time was a drag, but I got to the point where I actually looked forward to giving a sample...just to prove to the world that I could surf sober! Or, nearly sober.

So that's where I'm at these days. Clean, mostly sober, and stoked! I even give 4GF T's to all my romantic conquests...PG sells them to me in lots of a thousand!

Regards,

Charlie"


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