Charlie Sheen's New Gig!

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We caught up with Charlie at a local surf break. He wasn't actually in the water...he was on the beach smoking his brains out.

"I thought I was up to speed in the nicotine department!" he laughed between fits of coughing. "But my new gig has me smoking 3 or 4 packs a day, so I have to get in shape."

"New gig?" we asked.

"Yeah, the dickwads over at Mad Men wanted my timeless cool on their show, but they weren't coming up with shit in terms of compensation. And I was like, c'mon dudes. So we hashed it out, and I was like, if you change the title of the show, and maybe altered the story arc a scoonch to suit my bitchin-ness, we might have something."

"Alter the title?"

"I had the idea of changing the title to Mat Men. It has a good ring to it, when my tinnitus isn't acting up. Plus is means we can do a bunch of shooting down at the beach, instead of some dreary back lot sound stage."

"And there's a new story arc as well?"

"Y'know, something along the lines of, There's a new guy at the ad agency that's been transported in a time machine from 2012 LA to New York in 1965. He's really into mat surfing, and needs his daily fix in the water. He's got a bunch of unreal mats from the future, while everyone else is stuck with 60's canvas rental rafts. He also has a stash of performance enhancing drugs that no one else is privy to in 1965. So he kicks everyone's ass every time the surf gets over 2 feet. But the rest of the office is a bunch of workaholic, eunuch a-holes, and try to stifle him. Plus the new guy's banging all the broads in the office, and the rest of the guys have their bloomers in a bunch about that too. And he drinks and does drugs at work all day, but still out performs all of them in the board room and the broad room...if you get my drift!"

"We do!"

"But they totally balked at that idea, saying it sucked. Kooks, all of 'em. I had my agent give 'em a my way or the highway type ultimatum, and they went for it. Pussies. I woulda settled for a couple of hookers in my trailer twice a week!"

"So what's with all the cigarettes, Charlie?"

"They told me I had to get into character, and if I didn't come down with emphysema before my first day on the set, I was out. I get a bonus if I contract lung cancer, and top billing if I die. Show business rocks!"

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