Charlie Sheen and the String Bikini Theory!!!

this is satire this is satire this is satire this is satire this is satire this is satire this is satire this is satire


The latest issue of "Popular Quantum Mechanics" magazine is out now on the news stand...and our own Charlie Sheen is featured on the cover!!!

It seems that Charlie has turned his considerable talents towards solving the mysteries of the universe...and he recently lectured at Cambridge on the subject!

Stoked to see a high profile mat rider getting props from the academic world, I rang Charlie up to get the low down on his new career as a scientific guru.

"It all started a few months ago," he began. "I was flying solo, poolside, at the Beverly Hilton..."

"Everything was cool, then I scoped Stephen Friggin' Hawking at the other side of the pool. Dude had already landed two babes, and it wasn't even time for brunch! At that rate, he could be up to 7 or 8 chicks by Happy Hour!!!"

I wasn't so sure that "Friggin" was Hawking's middle name, but I didn't want to interrupt...

"So I dove into the water, and dog paddled over to his side of the pond to see what in the hell was going on. I'm listening in on his rap, figuring even a stud like me can pick up a few pointers now and then. This cat is rolling on and on about 11 dimensions and God particles and string theory and the Big Bang -- and he's doing it with his electronic voice dialed in to sound all sincere, like George Clooney!"

"Lucky bastard!" I interjected.

"George Clooney?"

"No, Stephen Hawking," I said, "with that variable electronic voice and all."

"Yeah, some guys have all the luck! So anyway, I'm listening to his bull, and watching these two chicks get all hot and bothered, and I started wondering how I could get in on these egg-head pick-up lines. If a guy like me applied himself to that shit...we'd be talking about 11 babes in hand before noon!"

"Sweet! So what was your next move?"

"I rang up Grayman, and had him set me up as a guest lecturer at Cambridge."

"Good call. G-Man has all the connections over there. When did you come by your revolutionary String Bikini Theory...the one covered in the magazine article?"

"I sorted out the details on the flight to the UK. I got hammered, passed out, and started having these weird dreams. First, I kept reliving my marriage proposal to wife number one..."

"Then there was a scene where I was dressed up as a gorilla, chasing Soupy Sales in a boat..."

"I hate that 'dressed up as a gorilla, chasing Soupy Sales' dream!" I cried out.

"Yeah, that one sucks. Then I was a little kid mat surfing at the beach with my mom, and a bunch of aliens landed..."

"Then there was a part where I was Fulton Sheen's illegitimate grandson..."

"Wow, you dream a lot in black and white, Charlie."

"I guess...but then there was this part in full color about this super hot airline stewardess..."

"...and I was mentally dressing her in a string bikini. When I woke up, that's when I realized, the universe is really made up of string bikinis!"

"The String Bikini Theory!" I concluded.

"Exactly! That was the basis of my lecture at Cambridge!"

"Did the audience go for it?"

"Are you kidding??? They went ape-shit. Russell Brand tore off his I-Heart-Einstein t-shirt and spit on it!"

"Most impressive! But is that your theory in its entirety? That the universe is made up of string bikinis?"

"Shit no! Grow up, Dude! Nothing's that simple! I also figured out that there's only 2 dimensions...one for me, the other for my latex doppelganger."

"So...we have a two dimensional universe made up of string bikinis," I summarized.

"Bingo!"

"Has Hawking responded to your theories?"

"He texted me with some shit, saying that if there was only two dimensions, then Dolly Parton couldn't exist!"

"That's pretty sound logic," I had to admit.

"Maybe. But I told the guy, internet porn does just fine on a flat screen. And so do episodes of Anger Management Thursday nights on the FX channel. That's all the proof we need there's only two dimensions!"

There isn't much Stephen Hawking can say to that! Game, set, match: Mr. Sheen!


this is satire this is satire this is satire this is satire this is satire this is satire this is satire this is satire