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Our Man In Malibu, Charlie Sheen, is trading in his boardshorts and flip flops for Las Vegas-style sartorial splendor this week...
The event? Why, the opening of Sheen's new casino/sports book in Vegas, of course!!!
"I'm totally geeked!" Sheen gushed when we caught up with him hovering outside a Nevada brothel yesterday evening.
"Geeked with the ladies?" we asked.
"No man, this lineup of girls sucks...metaphorically speaking. I mean I'm geeked with my casino-slash-sports-book! We open this weekend, and we're going to feature action on the biggest events!"
"You mean like The World Series? The Super Bowl? The Kentucky Derby? The World Cup?"
"Yeah, I guess we'll do crap like that, too. But our grand opening features a full buffet of betting opportunities on UKMS Mat Meet 10!"
"Who exactly are Charlie's Chumps?" I asked. "The betting public?"
"How the hell should I know??? Tom T. and Dirk B. did all the prelim marketing stuff. Those guys know Vegas inside and out!"
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"They know more about Las Vegas than you???"
"Oh hell yeah. They taught me everything I know and a lot I haven't processed yet. When it comes to Vegas, these guys are the equivalent of Siegfried Fischbacher and Wayne Newton, rolled into one! Well, rolled into two, actually..."
"I see the resemblance! BTW, it looks like you guys are going for a retro theme with your new facility."
"Totally! I told Tom and Dirk I want to go back in time...before STD's took over the fun department at Sears. That's why we re-animated 'skinny Elvis' to hang poolside!"
"We heard there was even a sports car at the bottom of the VIP pool..."
"Well, yeah...but that was more of a mistake than a design element. I was evading the cops and crashed through the fence and ended up in the pool. Dirk said go with it. Since it was a rental car paid up a month in advance, I figured, what the hell?"
"What about the main pool? What have you got in store for us there???"
"We got naked chicks holding their breath underwater, 24/7..."
"...and a pro surfing circuit in the wave pool on the surface!"
"Are all the pros going to show up???" I asked breathlessly.
"Nah. Kelly Slater will be the only competitor. He surfs by himself, wins every heat, and holds up a number one sign after every ride. That way he wins every contest, and we don't have to payoff the judges!"
"Genius! Will Kelly do any mat surfing for the crowd on the beach?"
"We asked him about it, and he said no self-respecting pro surfer would be caught dead having that much fun in the water!"
"What about the chow at Charlie's Chumps?"
"Dude! Don't even go there! Top drawer!!!"
"Yeah, I better have fun after the month I've had!"
"You're referring to the snub by the Nobel Prize people?"
"Totally. They dished the prize to some geeks I never heard of who did something with some shit I don't even care about. Why? Because they wear funny glasses!!!"
"So you think your work on a 'perpendicular universe' shoulda taken precedent?"
"Well, after a 100 years of eggheads whining about a parallel universe, I figured it was about time to set the record straight..."
"How did you come up with your perpendicular universe theory, anyway?"
"Beats me. I was out tandem surfing with a girlfriend, and it just occurred to me..."
"Pure genius, Charlie!"
"That's what I figgered at the time. But apparently, the d-bags in Stockholm thought otherwise!"
"Let's cut to the chase. What can mat riders bet on this weekend?"
"You mean UKMS MM 10? Okay, it breaks down like this...
Coolest/Hottest Chick Worst Snake Longest Swim Most Intoxicated Rider
G-Man 0 0 Lock 0
Bob B 0 0 0 0
Ian W 0 Lock 0 Lock
Kana W Co-Lock 0 0 0
Andy C 0 0 0 0
Phil S 0 0 0 0
Dan L 0 0 0 0
Graham G 0 0 0 0
Matt D 0 0 0 0
Gary E 0 0 0 0
James H 0 0 0 0
Allison Co-Lock 0 0 0
Paul M 0 0 0 0
Jerry P 0 0 0 0
Juan d' 0 0 0 0
Henry M 0 0 0 0
Tom S 0 0 0 0
Joe H 0 0 0 0
"Wow Charlie, that's pretty harsh...even for a Vegas pro like you. What kind of betting opportunities does that spread break down to?"
"Zero payouts, win or lose. We're not in the business of going broke on our first weekend...and anyone with half a brain knows this is the way MM10 is going to unfold!"
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3 comments:
Great Stuff!
Nice write-up! And thanks for keeping mum about the Performance Enhancing Drugs. If word ever got out about that, professional mat riding as we know it would be finished.
For f*ck's sake Mr Sheen, a fix doesn't work if you let the world know the results in advance!
Dumb-ass!
G
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