From Mister Dirk

 

 

Summer 2022 brings us ... inflatable glasses. "Conceptual, inflated eye wear explores inflatable trend in fashion."

Chu Lai 1965

 

Peak Instagram

 

From ML

 

Hi Paul,

The other night, way past midnight, some time around 2 a.m at the Eisbach wave in Munich city.

Best,

Max

From SCUMM

 

Hope all is well mate.

As a SCUMM update , Phil Harper has finally retired from work , built a new house and  moved to a new location ( Dolphin Point ) so a quick 10 minute peddle ( e-bike) up the hill and onto the ocean!! 

 

I parted with one of my Standard mats that you made to good mate Dean Dampney who tore his mat  after riding up on the rocks so with myself just about to start some holiday time we decided to meet at one of our favorite mat haunts and share a couple of waves before he had to leave . This place has always been a favorite amongst the mat riding fraternity as you can see by this black and white photo from the early 70's ( one flipper only) I also caught up with the Mad Mooka Boys formally known as Sub SCUMM , the following weekend with 7 of us floating around in the Ocean and spoke with Gavin Dickson who grandfathers all of us in mat riding , still riding one of your mats and original flippers after 14 years of riding the reefs down here , so a good testament to the quality of your mats ! 

 

I have attached some video from the morning with Deano.

 

Take care and all the best to the family!!

Adam 

Adam

Retired Phil

Deano

Deano Sequence

From Matt

 

 

I was surfing my favorite secret spot today on the beginnings of Typhoon Malakas.  I had run into an old surfing buddy early in the day, and we had exchanged pleasantries.  I took off on a wave on the inside and had a very fun ride right along the shore, one of the better rides (for me) of the day.  When I ended, I was close to my buddy, and he yelled out to me, "Hey, I got a picture of you on that wall hanger, I'll text it to you."  And so here it is, the first time I've seen myself riding a mat.  It's pretty small, but the picture captures the scene well.  Hope you enjoy it. 

From Sisa

 

This is Moti C, my father, 73 yrs! He finally got to take his mat to the ocean. Bumpy learning curve, but loads of fun, thanks again!

 Sisa

April Fools Redux, Plus Bonus Material

 We put up this April Fools posting last year, and thought it night be fun to revisit it...

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Originally launched in the late 1940's, The Maturday Evening Post was tagged by The New York Times as, “The thinking man's mat surfing publication!"  The Post raised the bar with family-friendly matting content, countering the sleazy, mat-centric scandal sheets of the day...

 

The Post represented a significant step towards the decriminalization of mat surfing. Up 'til then, the sport had been relegated to outlaw status in most coastal communities... 

 

 

By the 1948 U.S. election cycle, a national ban on mat surfing was on the ballot...but it was voted down, thanks to the positive influence of The Maturday Evening Post...

 

The whereabouts of this priceless issue of The Post has been the fodder of speculation for decades...numerous learned volumes have even been written on the subject. But, in an exclusive Zoom interview with Surfmatters, our own Mr. Dirk reveals that he has been, in fact, the long time owner of the crown jewel of the surfmat publishing world!

 

 “Dirk, back in the day, how could you -- a committed surfmat bum -- afford this pristine copy of The Post?"

“In the mid-1970's I made a bundle licensing my patent on the Vion radiant over-unity Freiherr-Knigge device."

 "So what exactly is this, uh..."

"Vion radiant over-unity Freiherr-Knigge device? It's basically a way to produce clean neutrinos...it opened up a lot of the technology used in Smart Washer-Dryers today."

 

"So you were the cat who came up with that shit...cool! How did you develop it?"

"I had that idea when I was camping on the beach in Sidi Kaouki in Morocco in '75. We were, you might say, fond of the hookah, and it just came to me one evening. When I woke up two days later, I knew was sitting on something big. I secured a world-wide patent, then hired an intellectual property agent in Tangier...Buchra Garbhi.

"Buchra Garbhi...the notorious international arms dealer?"

 

 

"The same. But Buchra didn't become famous --  or infamous -- until the mid-90's, when she sold a metric ton of rock debris generated by the construction of the Tangier McDonalds to The Reagan Library."

 

"How the hell did she do that?"

 "She convinced them it was rubble from the Berlin Wall. They fell for it, and a legend was born."

"So how'd she handle the sale of your patent, Dirk?"

"She cultivated a bidding war between the Bavarian Illuminati in Vienna, the Soviets, OPEC and Disney."

"Shrewd move...pit the 'four points of evil' against each other."

"The Bavarians blinked first. The next day, my pockets were deeper than low tide El Cap!"

 

“The cover theme is interesting. It seems the gang is knocking down some brews before a go out maybe?”

 

“It has more of an apres-surf sort of feel to it," Dirk pointed out in his cogent, professorial manner. "I've done some research on that point, and from what I've learned, people back in the day would often enjoy an alcoholic beverage or two after mat surfing...then engage in a little amorous congress.”

“Sex, drinking, and a surf in the same afternoon...holy shit, imagine trying that now, in today's PC environment!"

"Unless you're Charlie Sheen, fuggetboutit!" Dirk laughed.

"And Norman Rockwell did the cover art?"

“Yeah...but it was no big thing at the time. Rockwell was a regular contributor to The Maturday Evening Post." 

“Was he actually a mat surfer, or was he just jumping onto the post-war mat riding bandwagon?”

“Underneath that pipe-smoking, puppy-petting exterior, Norman was a hardcore matster...dawn patrols in Santa Cruz in boardshorts, duck diving Sunset on closed-out days, the whole nine yards! He even double-dutied his Converse mat as a beach towel on flat days...a style that's still in vogue today."

 

"Was Rockwell known throughout the beach culture?"

"Legend! They called him '22 Breaths'.”

"Not 23 Breaths, the universally accepted metric for the number of breaths required to inflate a high performance surfmat?"

"Norm's lung capacity was enormous. Fucker could fill a surf raft with only 22 puffs! Joseph Heller knew Rockwell from their days carousing in the Hamptons...that's why Joe eventually chose the number '22' for Catch 22. 

 "Eventually?'

 Most people don't know it, but the original title of his novel was Catch 23."

 

"Wow. Why Catch 23?" 

"23 was an inside reference to matting...having to catch your breath after inflating a mat with the standard 23 breaths."

"So Heller was a mat surfer?"

"Yeah. That's why at the end of the book, Captain Yossarian escapes in an inflatable row boat."

"So how did he get from 23 to 22?"

Right after the first print run of Catch 23 started, he changed his mind and went with '22' as a tip of the cap to his buddy Rockwell.

 "Awesome inside intel, Dirk! How many copies of Catch 23 shipped?" 

"1500. Most got recalled, but a dozen or so are still out there. I've got a local hacker on the spy for a signed first edition."

"That'd be a great acquisition! Keep us in the loop. Any other 'must haves' on your bucket list?"

 "Obviously, any of the 3 remaining misprints of the Gatsby cover."

"Fitzgerald wasn't a matter, was he?"

"Nah, they just screwed up at the publishing house."

"Bummer. I thought he might be into it...what with Jay Gatsby dying on a mat at the end. So anyway, how did you acquire this issue of The Post?" 

“Interesting story. After I cashed in on my patent, I made a pilgrimage throughout Europe and the Mediterranean...looking for surf, artistic inspiration, and investment opportunities." 

 

"Nice. How did you come across this issue of Maturday Evening Post?"

"There used to be a tunnel from Algeciras to Ceuta, and like all great European underground stations, it boasted newsstands and coffee shops. I was waiting for my train in Ceuta --  I'll never forget the sweet aroma of the mint tea you could get there -- when I stepped over to say hi to my friend Saghir, the street vendor. I asked to see the latest mat surf magazines, and he grinned and pointed to a pristine copy of The Maturday Evening Post..."

 

 

"Amazing."

"He saw me stiffen up -- speaking metaphorically -- and we started haggling. When they announced my train departure over the PA, I felt the time squeeze. I coughed up the dirhams and got the hell out of there. The next trick was getting it into the US."

"Why was that a challenge?" 

"The authorities seemed to think it had been stolen at some point. My sources in Zurich informed me that Interpol had posted a BOLO for the mag just days before I bought it. I wasn't going to take any chances getting it back home. I made my way to Paris, flew to Montreal, bought an old Renault, donned a suit and tie, then drove across the border...masquerading as a Quebec separatist posing as a Canadian businessman."

 

 "That old ruse..."

 "It never fails! The border patrol fell for it. They were so busy confiscating my trunk full of sham separatist propaganda, they missed the hot magazine strapped to the bottom of the gearbox!"

"That's an incredible action adventure story, Dirk! You have to make a feature length, streaming version!"

"I'm polishing the screenplay now." 

"I see Matt Damon in the lead."

"Already on board. In fact, that's why he moved to Byron Bay a while back...portraying a mat surfer immersed in international intrigue is the role of a lifetime!"  

"Who's directing?"

"The Coen Brothers. Spielberg producing. Scorsese advising. Spike Lee kibitzing. They were all over here earlier, raiding the fridge and going through my latest draft."

"Are they as committed to the objective truth as you clearly are, Dirk?"

"You know how those Coen guys are...obsessed with nihilism. They want my collection of surfmats to succumb to some kind of surreal, 'Kafkaesque air leak syndrome,' never to be inflated again."

"I guess you could always order replacement mats from me...generating a happy ending for the film at a reasonable cost with a quick turn-around time."

"I'll suggest that!" Dirk laughed.

"Let's talk about the Russian oligarch, Sergei Belitnikov. Until now, this issue of The Maturday Evening Post was thought to be in the his possession. How does he figure in?" 

"Serg is a kook. He floats around his private lake in Switzerland on a lilo and thinks he's a Hanalei charger." 

"Poseur?"

"Totally! He wouldn't know a Churchill swim fin from a Russian Orthodox Church."

"Is he sucking up to that a-hole Putin, with all the mat posturing? 

"No doubt. Vlad has been into matting for a good while now."

 

"Yeah, he's put in a bunch orders from 4GF over the years, but we cut him off. So how did Belitnikov come to be known as the owner of that issue of The Maturday Evening Post?

"I hired a PR firm in London to plant the rumor he had it stored in a Kremlin gym locker."

"To take the heat off you and your family?" 

(Dirk nods solemnly.)

"Was he torqued you fingered him? He's not the kind of prestupnaya you mess with."

"You kidding? He loved it! Dude was an incel loser until I framed him. Now he has to swat away the mat groupies with old issues of Bodyboarder!"

 

 

"So you two guys are cool?"

"He sends us a Christmas card every year."

“Mind if we ask...what did you pay for that issue?”

“Hella dough, hella dough. Saghir's nobody's fool, he made a bundle off me.”

“Did he have you pegged as nouveau riche when you stopped by his newsstand that fateful day?”

“How could he miss? I was rocking a Rubber Duck Riders t-shirt I scored from a black marketeer in Marrakesh.”

"That's a pricey piece of history. It wouldn't take long for a Ceuto local to figure out you were flush...strutting around town wearing that thing. So c'mon, Dirk, give us a ball park figure for the mag.”

“In today's money, it would be 7 figures...plus I sweetened the deal with 10% front end interest of any future movie projects involving our transaction.”

“Brilliant! If the Coen project bombs, Saghir will end up owing you money!”

“Exactly! I laughed like a lunatic all the way to Algeciras, and half the way home! Truth be told, we still stay in contact, Saghir and me. He's done well. He took his profits and opened up an invitation-only mat surfing resort situated on the windward side of a tropical island. Warm water, blown out junk...it's a matter's paradise!!!"

 

"Sounds great! Where is it located?"

"When you get an invite, you'll find out..."

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In the past year, Mister Dirk has been busy pursuing a number of artistic endeavors, including a sure-to-be-cult-classic comedy short entitled, "Is This Funny, Or Am I Weird?"

Shot in Barcelona's Parc Guell this past March, Dirk drew from his vast network of European artists and ner-do-wells to achieve his vision. Here, he gets a last minute touch up before going on camera...

...and went on created this epic short subject... 

 While in Europe, Dirk and his wife Maria also took the opportunity to get into the spy game..

On the flight between Barcelona and Copenhagen, Maria managed to dispatch the Russian operative seated behind her. Nice work!

Volcano Boarding

 

León (Nicaragua) (AFP) - It took Ana Muller half an hour to trek to the peak of the Cerro Negro volcano, a small effort given the reward on offer at Nicaragua's top tourist attraction: volcano boarding.

The active Cerro Negro is just 728 meters (2,400 feet) high, but sliding down its ash-covered slopes on a board is a 40-second thrill that allows participants to say they have surfed a volcano.

"It is a unique experience," said Muller, a German tourist who enjoyed the "adrenaline."

"You can only do it in a few places in the world.

"There are many volcanoes here in Central America, but only volcano boarding here in Nicaragua, in Leon."

Although active, Cerro Negro does not spit out smoke -- its last major eruption was in 1999.

"Little scary, but fun. High, very high, but it's once in a lifetime," said American tourist Eduardo Shandro.

"It was really good, you go really fast. You lose control a little bit, but you get a hang of it after a little bit, and it's a really cool experience," added his compatriot Adolfo Adofen.

"I never thought I would do this in my life, to go down a volcano, but it was amazing."

The best part for Portuguese tourist Carina Mora was "being in contact with the earth. I think it's the best human experience you can have to feel the warmth of the earth."

The hike up the volcano "is a little bit tiring... but then when you come back down it's perfect. You want to go again and again."

'Only place in the world'

Hundreds of adrenaline junkie tourists converge on Cerro Negro, a boon for tourism in a country that has been hammered by a political crisis sparked in 2018 with the brutal repression of street protesters and exacerbated by the coronavirus pandemic.

The pioneers of volcano boarding in Nicaragua first tackled the Cerro Negro slopes in 2006.

One of them, Lesther Centeno, is now head of the Bigfoot tour company.

Like all tourism in Nicaragua, volcano boarding was hit by the political crisis and pandemic.

"It took a long time to get the activity going again. For about eight months, we had almost nothing, but now people are starting to come back to the country and obviously they always come looking for this," said Centeno.

"It's the only place in the world where you can go boarding on an active volcano!"

In Leon, the closest big town to the volcano, there are at least 12 tour operators offering boarding experiences on Cerro Negro for around $30.

Twelve communities living close to the volcano, making up half a million people, live directly or indirectly off tourism, said Matilde Hernandez, the volcano park ranger.

Local resident Jose Gonzalez carries tourists' boards up the volcano.

"That is our salary. If we don't carry the board up, we don't earn any money," he said.

Depending on how busy it is, he can earn up to $20 a day.

Found By Mister Dirk

 

"Newquay surfing 78 years ago: This fantastic photo of three British munitions workers taking a surfboarding break from the rigours of their war-work, at the Cornish coast in September 1943. It is original colour, not colourised."

 

Here's the original image, sans color correction...