Jan 24, 2018

The SCUMM Book Of Yoga

What do you get when you cross The South Coast Unadulterated Mat Men and Eastern Zen philosophy?

Nothing short of "Cultural Appropriation Gone Wild!"

The SCUMM boys have published their own yoga volume...which is designed to promote strength, flexibility, serenity, and the ability to snap back from a 36 hour bender in nothing flat!

Limited edition, hardback volume cover design: Dirk Brandts. (And by "limited," we mean it doesn't actually exist.)

Let's take a look at some of their colorfully named poses...


"Grin Like A Friggin' Idiot 'Til Your Butt Cheeks Are Sore!" 

This one's pretty much self explanatory. By smiling non-stop over the course of days/weeks/months, their facial muscles loose the ability to frown...resulting in a sunny disposition that's so odd, even fellow Aussies find it creepy!


"You Can Pick Your Friends, And You Can Pick Your Nose...So Why Can't You Pick Your Friend's Nose?"

New age, millenial-inspired yoga doesn't get any more sharing than this! The nose is an incredibly complex organ, and regular interior massage generates a feeling of well being. So why not "share" that glow of ecstasy with a friend? Even the toxic Australian male social code prohibited such unsavory behavior...until now!  Well done, Mates...


"Pant Like A Dog...Surf Like A Seal"

Dogs and seals, as we know, are from the same family of mammals. The main difference is seals surf a lot better than dogs. The best humans can do is stick their tongues out for 10, 30 second sessions, and hope the ''aquatic canine'' in them comes out. (As pointed out repeatedly throughout the book, licking one's own butt is an optional plus on the road to Nirvana.)


"Make Your Junk Great Again"

Stuff your bun huggers with anything available, giving the impression of ''Un-Presidented Genital Greatness.'' Running around half-naked in the cold also reinforces your delusion of youthful virility!


"Shaka, Mate!"

Along with several other willing participants, assume the body language of another culture. It develops a sense of community, a key factor in melting away cynicism when only 5 people live within a thousand mile radius...and they're all male matters who haven't bathed, worked, been sober, or gotten laid in 6 months.

Warning: This communal bonding technique may not resonate with non-believers...


"End-o Supreme-o"

Long forgotten by Yoga practitioners as a revitalizing miracle, rubbing one's face with beach sand has gotten a new lease on life...thanks to this move, developed by SCUMM quite by accident. The technique is simple: You ride your mat down a scruffy sand dune until the inevitable header results. Bonus ecstasy for a broken nose and a popped mat!


"Up Yer Arsehole!"

This move releases tension in one's forearms...the kind often associated with compulsive, ambidextrous wanking. (It's an affliction common among Australian males under the age of 97.)


"Take A Knee While Wearing Swim Fins"

A dumb move at best, a dangerous move at worst. The student assumes a crouching position that can easily be obtained, but impossible to rise from after holding for more than 15 seconds. Good for the glutes...bad if the tide's coming in. Great fun to watch from afar!


"Oh, Lookee Here! A New Friend to Play With!"

A must in shark-infested waters. This pose relieves the tension often associated with the realization that your life might end in 20 seconds.


 "Artificial Stupidity!"

In today's reality of "technological-doom-just-around-the-corner," this one's leading edge! While "deep thinkers" fret about the threat posed by artificial intelligence, the SCUMM crowd has flipped the script, and attacked the problem head on. "Acting Like A Twit" is a natural Zen counterpoint to our inevitable A.I. destruction. These blokes have it down to a science!


"Jazz Hands...SCUMM Style"

"SCUMM" and "Style" rarely go hand-in-hand. OK, they never go hand-in-hand. But the lads from Down Unda have the answer! They describe it in their book as, "Al Jolson meets Jacques Cousteau, with a dash of Timothy Leary thrown in for good measure." Sobriety not required, making it a SCUMM favorite!

(One proviso: You have to be over 60 to get their references to Al Jolson, Jacques Cousteau or Timothy Leary.)


"No Surf? No Problem!"

A SCUMM original! The surf-starved mat rider pours a massive glass of wine, gulps it down almost to the bottom, then dips their index finger in the remaining nectar...then runs said finger around the lip of the glass. The resulting "song of vibrations" generates a feeling of oneness with the universe, as well as nearly surfable microwaves! By the 4th glass, the skilled practitioner has no idea who they are, or why they bother to surf at all.


"Zen Photography!"

Nothing says "SCUMM Zen" like banging off dozens of surf shots while looking the other way! The accomplished master of this technique later scrolls through the images in the lotus position with their eyes closed, then forwards them to Surfmatters...where we dutifully genuflect to our mat riding overlords, and post them for all to see!



tuskedbeast said...

Ever wonder what a fully inflated mat in a hot, sealed car would sound like when it exploded?

Now you know.

Me, I'll make the popcorn...


Anonymous said...

Lol! This post is hilarious. All joking aside, it seems like there was some time and genuine thought put into this...

PVC's Blog said...

Thank you for taking the time to put this together, there is one pose you may have forgotten, Adam does it prior to most of our adventures..haha Ill leave it at that. Mate so stoked that you take the time to put your blog together and share our antics with the rest of your followers and I know there are many. And as you are well aware your mats the Fourth Gear Flyer's play a major part in our stoke for mat riding and we are grateful for that..

Cheers mate

SCUMM and Proud of it !

KingWaka said...

make your junk great again....Bawhahahahahahah! Happy Oz Day love ( January 26) and SCUMM froth back to you Paul!!!

tuskedbeast said...

Paul, they're not taking the bait.

I think they're too busy surfing at that last spot....... grrr