May 22, 2018
Do You Hear 'Standard' Or 'Omni?'
A carefully recorded track of air being released from a surfmat has been circulating on the World Wide Web!
Some mat riders -- just under 50% -- hear the word "Standard.''
Another 49.99% hear "Omni.''
According to leading psychologists, the breakdown seems to fall along personality lines...
The Standard people are outgoing, gregarious, and anxious to connect with others in a positive and caring way. They are intelligent, humorous, and full of good will.
The Omni people are somewhat more withdrawn, but will answer the call of others when needed, and are selfless in their concern for the well being of plants, animals and people. And, like the Standard folks, they radiate warmth and intelligence.
Most likely, you fit one of those two categories.
The remaining 1/10 of 1% hear the word "Vespa." This is the troubled sector of humanity, for whom help is of little value...be it either personal counseling or pharmaceutical in nature. As we speak, these dregs of society are being rounded up by totalitarian tech firms and shipped off to "readjustment camps." If you fall in this rare category -- thankfully, the odds against that are roughly 1000 to 1 -- you're advised to seek shelter immediately.