Scumm Crashes the 2018 Winter Olympics !!!

Photos: Dirk Brandts

We talked to Neal Cameron -- the self-appointed spokesperson for SCUMM -- about the journey from full-time matsurf bum to half-baked Olympic hero! 

How did this adventure get started, Neal? 

We wanted in on the Olympic glory. Not just for ourselves, but for...well...actually, yeah, just for ourselves. It only comes along every 4 years, and in 4 more years, we'll all either be in wheelchairs or dead. So it was now or never. Plus, who doesn't want to visit The Korean Peninsula in winter? 

What was step one? 

We rang up the Australian Olympic Committee, and asked if they had any openings in curling, since it's the one winter sport you can excel at while shit-faced. The bloke in charge said he'd never heard of curling. So I explained that it entailed pushing a large rock along a sheet of ice. Then he said he'd never heard of ice either...so that was pretty much when we knew we were golden!

So why are you competing under the banner of the "Inflatable Republic of SCUMMANY?"

Well, this wanker on the other end of the line agreed to let us compete for Australia, but says we have to cover our own expenses.  So we reckoned, what the fuck? Let's just start our own country, and let them cover our expenses.

But since YOU ARE the new country, doesn't that mean you have to pay your own way, anyway?

You don't know much about how the modern world works, do you, mate? We went online, created a virtual country, started collecting fees for immigration applications, and were flush within hours!

How'd you come up with the name "Scummany?"

We crowd-sourced it through my favorite dating site, aussietrannygranny.com. So many blokes voted, the site crashed and hasn't gone back up yet!

What's the political philosophy of Scummany?

We call it, "neo-radical, alt-middle nationalism." Covers all the bases. We can chat up any chick and dovetail right into whatever poli-nonsense she starts spewing.

Any motto? 

Yeah. "The Land Of Unintended Consequences." Has a nice ring to it, and we can use it to slither out of any legal friction that comes up.

Any unique feature to Scummany we should know about?

Oh, fuck yeah. What's the best day of the year? 

Uh, Christmas?

If you're a 4 year old wanker, maybe. It's the day they shut off daylight savings, right? You get to sleep in an extra hour.

OK, go on...

So in Scummany, we push the clocks back every day! You can sleep an extra hour, 365/25/7. Plus, we allow ourselves tax exile status, so we can spend all our time in France and not pay shit in taxes.

Anything else? 

We have random alcohol testing. If you ever blow under 10%, you're on the next flight outta here!

Getting back to the Olympics, you used inflatable curling stones...why?

Who the hell wants to drag those lumps of shit around all day when your fucking 60 years old with an arthritic double hernia? Not me, mate! So we reckoned, let's just build some inflatable stones, and when it comes time to compete, fill them with piss the night before, let them freeze in the fridge, and have a go! When it's all over...the beer melts, and it's party time!

You guys seemed keen on the mixed doubles competition.

The reasoning is airtight, if you twits took a half second to think about it. What bloke in his right mind wants to do ANYTHING with a broom? Get a sheila to do the domestic bit on the ice! Plus, there's the eye candy aspect. So yeah, mixed doubles was the go from the start.

That's disgusting...you sure you're not the actual Australian curling squad?

SCUMMANY! SCUMMANY! SCUMMANY! OI! OI! OI!